writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting and...

when is enough...enough?  i have nearly 90,000 words typed out on a word document that has been in process since march of 2010.  its the second draft of the original work.  the original work was, in my opinion, a bit stringy.  and now i sit here with only a few more chapters to go and i'm starting to smell a strench coming from somewhere between the ninth and twelvth chapters.  it resembles the smell of garbonzo beans and expired cottage cheese and i'm tempted to just throw the whole thing out.  hit "select all" and then "delete".  forget all about it.  pretend it was never written.  start fresh on a new, white piece of paper. 

what is this?  is there a name for this condition?  didn't i like what i had written the first time i wrote it?  and didn't i like it again when i reread it the next day and the day after that?  then why now, after all this time and work and decrease in eye vision from staring at a computer screen so long - am i so turned off by the work as a whole?

I wish it were possible to step out of my brain for a moment.  to completely erase from my mind all the words, reconfigurations, judgements and expectations that i've ever had for my manuscript and be able to just read it for the very first time.  then, and only then, would i really be able to know if i had something there.  if i nailed it. 

they say its good to step away from your work for a while.  give it a month or two and then return to it with a fresh take.  so this is what i've done.  and now tonight, after many weeks of "stepping away" i am stepping back up to the plate.  stepping back onto the stand.  ready to judge and be judged by no other person than myself.  tonight is the night.  i will pull up my document and give it one more try and then i will make my decision.

some final advice on book signings - as if i'm the expert

i had my third (and final until baby comes) book signing last week and had such a fun time!  what was so different about it this time?  FRIENDS!!!  i mean, it sounds logical enough... you wouldn't throw a party without inviting your friends right?  and book signings should be just that.  a PaRtY!!!

this book signing was closer to my house so i was able to invite a lot of people i knew.  plus, i had some great friends drive 2 hours to come to it! (such a fabulous surprise!) 

not only did having friends at the signing make the event so much more fun but strangers who usually avoid eye contact with me actually came to the table! yeah!  i'm beginning to think that we humans have a fear of interacting one-on-one with people we don't know.  i think it was really intimidating for the customers in the coffee shop to approach my table when it was just me sitting there all by myself.  but when there was already a crowd around it was a lot easier for people to come ask questions and see what was going on. 

what made it even better is that my friends were able to say stuff like, "you should definitely read this book, its great!"  that sounds a lot better coming from someone else than from me - the author. 

my publisher had suggested in a list of tips that i take someone with me as a book signing "buddy" to the events.  i didn't take this advice (mostly because i didn't think any of my new friends in ohio would want to join me.) but i think people would have been willing if i would have asked them and i think it makes a BIG difference. 

so the last tip i'm going to leave with you from my limited amount of experience is...
INVITE FRIENDS TO THE BOOK SIGNING!
LOTS OF THEM!!!

p.s. thanks to everyone who came out.  you truly made it a fabulous event!

book signing #2...

it went better... slightly.  the challenges were the same but i think the most important thing was that i had a better attitude about it all.  i had some better conversations and i definitely had more fun this time around.  all good things.  looking forward to next week's book signing!

stuck

i've written myself into a corner. okay, not literally, but figuratively.  i'm working on a sequel to Second Kiss.  i've  been writing it and rewriting it for months now.  i was so excited about where it was going.  i was loving the developement, loving what my main character got to experience. 
and then it happened. 
i got stuck.
all of my plots and subplots have seemed to come to a standstill.  its like i know where they're supposed to end up and that place is wonderful and moving and powerful.  but i don't know how to get there.  and the point that i'm at now is okay, but its not great.  and i'm afraid i've made one of my main characters (one of the best characters) an extra... or even worse, a member of the stage crew.  he's barely in it.  he's barely part of the show.  and that scares me because he's what i loved best about the show.  so i'm trying to pull him back in but the story isn't letting me.  i'm trying to get to the resolution but the words aren't taking me there.  i can't tell you how many times i've stared at the words on the screen and waited for them to unfold before me.  but they aren't and i'm discouraged. 
it wouldn't be that big of a deal if i could just close my laptop for a while and think about something else.  but i can't.  my brain won't stop.  i think about it anywhere and anytime i have even a second to think about anything.  how will i get there?  how will i make it work?  what is their story going to be?
but nothing is coming.  so for now i'm just... stuck.

jealous

i hate feeling jealous.  hate it. hate it. hate it.  but sometimes, i swear, it just sneaks into my brain without me realizing whats going on. this picture is actually of my two year old son but i feel just like this when i'm jealous of someone else.  i feel inadequate and insecure and  i want to pout and scream and stomp my foot on the floor really hard.

the weirdest thing is that the moment i actually became a published author i became more jealous of other published authors than i ever had been before.  can anyone explain this to me?

i've been asked to speak to a group of young girls in my church about unity and how to celebrate other people's accomplishments.  um, pretty sure i'm still learning this.  don't get me wrong.  i try to be a kind, loving person and in general its easy for me to celebrate the success of others.  especially when they're success has absolutely nothing to do with my own ambitions.

but when someone has accomplished something that i want to accomplish (how dare they?)  i get all twisted and bent out of shape and i feel that horrible, pouty feeling taking over my brain.  

i don't do it on purpose. 

i don't wake up in the morning determined to harbor bitter feelings towards authors who have found success.  but it just happens.  why is that?

i often check out blogs of other authors in order to find inspiration from their work, to feel like i'm part of a community and to gain strength from their wisdom.  so why do i so often log off my computer feeling... (in a word) dumpy? 

i hear myself thinking things like,

"i'll never write a book as good as them." 

or 

"they are so much more creative than i am."

or even more idiotic and child-like,

"what? she writes young adult novels too?  how dare she?" 

i received a comment the other day from a great writer/blogger (Donna Weaver you know who you are) who quoted someone that said authors struggle with feelings of obscurity.  That we feel like our hard work will never be noticed amongst the millions of other books that are sitting on the shelves. 

its so true. 

and when we're already lacking self confidence in our own accomplishments it is that much harder to celebrate the accomplishments of others.   

so i'm making a serious and conscious goal starting yesterday to stop it! to stop putting myself down.  to stop comparing myself to everyone else.  to stop feeling like i'm less of a person because someone else is succeeding.  it's pointless.  it's damaging and i'm not going to let myself be hindered by it anymore!

i'm going to monitor my jealous feelings for the next three weeks (that's when i speak to the girls in my church) and see if my insides aren't feeling more like this:

i'll let you know how it goes!

"look at me!!!"

marketing... ug.  feels a lot like selling. and in this case i'm selling myself.  i'm not good at it, i never have been.  i tried selling security systems in new mexico one summer... i lasted five weeks and have forever since based the level of my happiness in terms of "well at least i'm not in new mexico selling security systems." 
it's not that i think that security systems are bad and i DEFINITELY don't think my book is bad! but to go around disturbing people's lives asking them if they could just take a minute to "look at me!!! PLEASE!!!"
it gives me heart burn.
when Tate Publishing accepted my  manuscript i hit the roof i was so excited.  i knew that part of the contract agreement was that they'd provide me with a marketing representative and market my book.  but what i didn't realize is that every author (new or weathered) needs to market themselves as well.  how else will your family and friends know that you have a book out there to buy?  how else will local coffee houses and book stores know that you're out there and wanting to do book events?  it has to come from YOU! (or in this case... me... ug.) 
so i have to convince all these people that i have created something that they actually want to spend money on.  and then i have to plan these book events (in my case i'm still doing book signings... which are just fancy way of saying i'm going to be sitting at this table for two hours - please come buy my book.)  and i have to look professional and confident and i need to strike up conversations with people and ask them to give me their money and... oh dear, that is so not me.  i'm not a sales person.  i'm not a marketing person.  i'm a writer!  my comfort zone is sitting on my couch with my lap top computer silently creating stories that have been looming in the back of my brain. 
so this marketing thing?  a huge step for me.  i'm largely out of my comfort zone. 
and i could use all the advice i can get!

finding time to write

christmas day is passed but we are still smack dab in the middle of the busy holiday season.  and as much as i LOVE this time of year i am always a little bit frustrated that i can't find as much time to write.   i'd love to know how you get around this issue.  do you simply decide to put it off until january 4th of the new year?  do you stay up later and wake up earlier with hopes to get a few new words down?  do you surround your toddler with all of his new toys and hope it entertains him long enough for you to get out a few pages?  (yes, i am guilty of this.)

one thing i do is take any opportunity i can to do mental writing workouts.  ok, it sounds kine of strange but the same way i get out of shape physically when i stop exercising - i can get out of shape mentally if i don't keep the stories flowing.  so whenever i'm doing the dishes or cooking a meal, or cleaning the toilets... i try to come up with random scenerios in my head and make a good story out of it.  its like my own secret aerobics class - only its in my head and i'm excercising my creativity. 

i find that if i do this a few times a day the ideas flow more freely when i do find that miraculous moment to write.

what do you do?

my life according to facebook (and other opinions on fictional dialogue)

the following image is a collage of my facebook status updates from the year 2010. 

some of them are funny, some of them tell a story or just describe my mood at the time.

but the thing that struck me as i read through them is that they all have substance. 

my biggest pet-peeve in fictional dialogue is boring words! 

what are boring words?  in my opinion they're words like:

"how are you?"

"fine."
"it's nice to meet you."

 "i agree."

 "sounds fun!"

 "let's go."

"have a good day!"

"bye for now."

etc. 

of course these are words/phrases that we use a million times in ever day conversation,

but they don't move the story. 

and if you use them too much (in my opinion, at all) the story is going to be boring and i'm going to put it down before i get to the juicy stuff. 

fictional dialogue should start somewhere in the middle of the conversation. 

you only have a few words to capture an audience, so you need to do it quickly!

  take facebook status updates.

when was the last time you updated your profile with, "hi everyone!" or "i'm doing good today." it just doesn't happen.  i was scanning my own list of this year's updates and here are a few of my favorites:

• meatloaf has a bad wrap for a reason.
• i feel bad about the fact that swearing actually does make me feel better.
• i think i just got into a face-to-face argument with the UPS guy.

i never said, hi. i never asked the facebook world how it was doing.  but i didn't have to.

so the next time you're putting words in your characters' mouths, try starting in the middle of the conversation and see what happens.

official release of Second Kiss - TODAY!!!

to celebrate this day i thought it would be fun to outline a few of the prominent events that led me here.  many people have asked me questions like how did you get started?, how did you get it all finished? and how did you find a publisher? While those were challeging parts of the process i have to say that the real work - the real mind wrenching portion of the process came after my book was accepted by the publisher.  but let's start from the beginning. 
There was so much to this journey and so much to tell that i thought to make it easier for myself and more reader friendly for you i would cut it down into the 10 major events that brought me to this point.  (not the end by any means because let's be honest... i'm just at the beginning of this journey.)

1. Microsoft Word - Blank Document:  it sounds simple.  its something we've all pulled up on our computer a million times but this first step was extremely challenging.  to pull up that document telling myself, "i'm going to write a book" and then to acutally stick with it has been a huge accomplishment in my life as i'm sure many of you can relate to.  its easy to have ideas, dreams and hopes for writing a book.  but to actually type those first words, and then the hundredth word, and then the five thousandth word... it's huge, its life chaning, its officially a journey.

2. Seen by a Second Set of Eyes: okay, this sounds weird but i absolutely would not let another soul read my manuscript for the longest time.  this included the most important person in my life (not to mention the kindest and least judgemental person in my life) my husband.  i have to give him credit though, he was very patient with me through the year and a half that i was off writing this mystery book without letting him have so much as a peek.  why was i so nervous to let anyone else read it?  maybe because having someone else read your work is like giving them a magnifying glass into your soul.  it's like laying your diary open on the cafeteria table at school and letting the boy you like have a good read before fourth period. its like showing someone a mole on your back and asking them to give you their "honest" opinion. and if they hesitate or pause for even nano-second you know that they truthfully think its the absolutely most horrible mole they've ever seen in their whole life but they just don't know how to tell you it. anything you write is personal.  anything you write is a part of you.  and when you share that with others you have to let go of your dignity, your pride and lay it all out there to be scrutinized. 
the first person that i ever let read a portion of my book was my sister.  she let me read something she was writing so i had to let her read mine - which at the time was a whopping 7 pages.  she was perfect at praising me.  whether or not it was a true assessment i'll never know, but her high apraisal left me leaping into the next two hundred and fifty pages.  i'd like to say that if she would have hated it, torn it apart, marked it all up with a fine point red pen that i still would have finished it.  but i honestly don't know.  her reaction was vital to my journey.  i later came to hate those first seven pages so much that i deleted them altogether. so i thank my sister today for faking it well. 

3. Submitting My Soul to a Publisher:  one day i woke up and thought, i've worked on this book for a long time, its not quite finished but its close, and i just have to see what can come of it.  so what did i do?  i pulled up google.  i typed some words into the search field - probably something as simple as "publishers" and picked two at random.  okay, thats not completely accurate.  there was one that i was quite a bit more impressed with.  it was called tate publishing and when i clicked on the link a video of a past miss america came up endorsing their company.  i was impressd by that.  if miss america says they're good, then they got to be good... right?  maybe.  maybe not.  but i was willing to find out.  so i sent them my info and a sample chapter and i then i hit the submit button.

signing my contract with tate publishing

4. Accepting the Acceptance:  this sounds easy... a no brainer.  but it was maybe the hardest step of all.  i mean here i was feeling all inadequate - expecting no one to accept my book - actually expecting to be rejected, when all of a sudden, out of the clear blue sky this publishing company wants my manuscript.  my first thought?  this is a scam.  its some made up company telling me they are going to publish and market my book but really they're not going to.  i almost said no.  i really did.  it was too big.  too fast. and too sureal for me to accept as reality.  but after a lot of discussion with my husband and  a lot of prayer to make sure it was the right decision - i went for it.  and i haven't felt an ounce of regret. 

5. The Editing Process:  i have to take in a deep sigh when i think of that time.  it was grueling and time consuming and oh! so invigorating!  to have an actual professional editor (who i LOVED by the way) read my book and give it some good solid criticism was the most energizing experience... it made me come alive. and it made me realize that it is okay to be critizised.  more than that... it is vital.  the book i wrote before my editor read it and the final product that you can purchase today are two different books.  her suggestions, questions and down right deletions made the book SO much better than what it was before.  and i thank her for that. 

6. The Final Product:  after my editor gave her suggestions i had about a month to mold it into the final product.  the product that was going to be released to the masses, to whoever wanted to read it. and that was a scary realization.  of course i wanted it to be perfect.  but that is impossible.  a novel is much to abstract to ever be made perfect.  so i worked and worked and worked (and worked) up until the very last possible minute and then i emailed the last and final copy to my editor.  talk about the hardest and most liberating point of the journey all wrapped into one!

7. Waiting:  after all that work and pushing deadlines what did i have to do next? wait.  i had to wait for the cover to be made (i had a say but i didn't design it so no work was required on my part), i had to wait for the layout ( i had to approve it but again, no work just waiting), then i had to wait for the final product to be put together, then i had to wait for it to be available to purchase and at that point i realized that waiting wasn't all that bad.

8. Availabe For Purchase:  i wasn't prepared for this moment at all.  i was under the impression that i still had a good three months before it would be released (which was true) but i didn't know that it would be availabe to purchase from my publisher much earlier and it was my responsibility to get the word out to my family and friends (what, no billboard on the side of the freeway? darn.)  i know i've said this with every step so far but THIS was (and still is) by far the most difficult part of the process.  to actually reach  my neck out and ask people to please buy my book.  to spend their hard earned cash on words that matriculated from my imagination and then to know that those words actually were being read! by high school friends, cousins, strangers, best friends, old friends, new friends, old boyfriends, my husband, my mom... it was scary.  what would they think? what would they say?  how would they react?  and then about three weeks in i realized, it doesn't matter.  every book that was ever written in the history of mankind has been loved by some and hated by others.  my book is no different.  it will be loved and hated.  finished by some and put down after the third page by others.  i'll have good reviews and i'll have bad reviews.  and the fact of the matter is, that's just fine.  i wrote a book.  the book is finished, is published, is being read... by strangers.  i have accomplished something.  and that is what matters.

9.  Keeping Up the Writing: just because my book was getting published didn't mean i was done writing.  but there were a lot of challenges.  finding time was one challenge but an even bigger challenge was dealing with discouragement.  the hardest brain freeze to break through was the will to keep writing after getting a negative review on my book.  to keep using my time to work toward a goal after having days where i think "i'm not a writer... this isn't going to work."  but i keep plowing through, if for no the reason than to indulge in some personal entertainment.  i love to write and no matter how many wonderful or negative reviews i get i have to keep typing one word after another. 

10. The Official Release Date:  well, that's today.  and today is when all the "real" marketing takes place by my publishing company.  which means more waiting and more wondering where this journey will take me.  i'll let you know how it goes...

the name game

picking the perfect name for your unborn child is hard.  picking the perfect name for your fictional character? nearly impossible. 

just think about it, you don't even know your child yet.  you don't know what their personality will be like. you don't know if your son will be athletic or artistic, you don't know if your daughter will be a journalist or an astronaut.  and whether you  name her heather or claire really isn't going to make the difference.

but your character, on the other hand, is already born.  you've been thinking about him for months.  he's short, he always wears hats, he talks in questions.  his name can't be Charles.  that would be too predictable.  but it can't be Sterling either, that just doesn't fit.  Billy sounds made up but Brian sounds like you didn't try hard enough.
as if the technicalities of naming your characters aren't hard enough... there's also the matter of dodging names of people you know.  i'm bad at this. for instance, my first born son was named after my father (safe enough) but about three months AFTER he was born my husband brought to my attention the fact that it was also the same name as the guy i was dating when he (my husband) and i met.  i had to swear to him with my fingers crossed over my heart that it was just a coincidence!
the same thing happened with my first novel.  you see, there was this boy.  he lived in my neighborhood - i could see his house from my front window.  my mom wanted me to marry him someday and the whole world knew it - including him.  his name was tyler.  (if you're reading this tyler, you know who you are) but i haven't seen or talked him in YEARS!  we're both happily married (to other people) and living on opposite sides of the country.  so how was i supposed to realize the irony of the name of my main character, the best friend, the boy that lives across the street, the main love interest... which just happens to be jess tyler? 
my book was already published, for sale and being purchased before i realized the horrible mistake.  and now the name is out there.  the story is written and tyler (wherever you are) is hopefully not thinking that i'm secretly still in love with him. 
so let me stress to you one more time.  naming your kids?  important.  naming your characters?  critical!  think long and hard about this.  this isn't a flippant decision. 
some tips from my short history of experience:
1. as previously mentioned, DON'T name characters after real people in your life. 
2. DON'T even try to change the name of a real person in your life by a few letters (i.e. mark stevenson into clark beevenson)
3. DO say the name over and over in your head and out loud to make sure it doesn't sound made-up or like a mother goose rhyme. 
4. DON'T make different characters names rhyme either.  (i.e. the main characters should never be named jane jones and blaine bones)
5. DON'T choose stereotypical names.  everyone is expecting the most popular cheerleader in the school to be named Brittany.  Try naming her Gretta and see where it takes you. 
6. DO give your characters names that are easy to pronounce.  I hate reading books where the main character's name is completely unpronounceable and no one at the book club meeting can agree on how your supposed to say it.  how are you supposed to bond with a character whose name you don't even know?

that's all i have for now.  i've only written one complete book so my expertise on the subject is limited.  i'd love to know how you have chosen the names of your characters.  the process.  your favorite names (i promise i won't steal them.) maybe you disagree with my tips.  maybe you love rhyming names.  maybe all your characters are named after real people in your life.  let us know how it works for you.

after all, it's one of the most important decisions you can make. because you may not be naming your unborn child, but the name will definitely determine how your characters and eventually your story come to life.

the delete button


 



whether they're action words, dialogue or simply "once upon a time" the fact of the matter is that someday you'll hate them.  you'll inevitably get to the point where those first words don't match the last words or anything in between - even if they were the words that led you to start writing in the first place.  even if at one time they were perfect.   

so you erase them.  maybe its a few words maybe its an entire chapter.  maybe its the first half of the book...  you cringe as you highlight the endless hours of work and press "delete".  but its worth it.  i promise.  and even a tiny bit liberating. 

afterall, there's no room for the good stuff... for the meat and potatoes of your story... if its bogged down with flat, uninteresting, filler words that are just leading you farther away from where you want to be.

so my challenge to you today?  hit that delete button.  just do it.  take a fine toothed comb,  weave it through your writing and throw away what's not working. it's going to be hard.  trust me, i know.  you're going to consider the sleepless nights and the cold early mornings when you worked through sweat, blood and tears to get those words down on paper and you're going to think "there's got to be some way i can make this work!"  okay, maybe there is.  but consider this.  maybe there isn't.  and instead of spending even more time trying to rework the gross, the bad and the ugly, try getting rid of it.  just try.  even if all you can do is cut and repaste it to another document somewhere on your lap top... try it.  and then let me know how it goes. 

p.s. the same advice works in life.  if something's not getting you to where you need to be... hit the delete button. 

photo curtesy of unplggd.com





voices in my head

sometimes i feel a little bit like a crazy person because i constantly have voices in my head.  i'm not talking good angel/bad angel trying to control my universe.  i'm talking imaginary voices, that i've created.  talking, gabbing, fighting, laughing... the list goes on.  and these voices turn into a conversation which eventually ends up as some scattered story in my brain that i want to hurry and write down on paper. 
so my question that i want to send out to you all... to the cyber world... is, am i alone?  am i actually a little bit crazy?  or is this more normal than i think?  maybe everybody has voices in their heads, just none of us want to admit it.  or maybe the same way some people can look at a blank canvas and create an artistic masterpiece, i can come up with drama, dialogue and intrigue in my head without even trying. 
i was in college trying to figure out what on earth i wanted to do with my life, what talents did i have, what direction should i go?  when i realized that maybe this urge, this passion, this need to create a story wasn't something that everybody possessed.  maybe it was something special.  and maybe i'd be doing myself an injustice if i didn't embrace it.
don't get me wrong, i love the constant companionship of my stories.  but there are times when i want to tear out my eyeballs just to make them stop.  just to have five minutes to lay on my pillow, put on mascara, drive to the grocery store... without this mental movie constantly rolling through my brain.
so once again, i'm begging you to tell me... to disclose your deep dark secrets. have you felt this way?  do you hear the voices, too?  are there others out there???

the first of many...

i never said i wanted to write a book someday. it was never some goal to be checked off a list of things "to do". i never hoped to have a one hit wonder that made me millions of dollars and a household name. what i wanted... what i dreamed of... was to be an author. to see my first book in print. to hold its thickness between my fingers knowing the sweat and tears that went into it. and to know that it was the first (and probably even the worst)... of many. this is that first book. a teen fiction novel with a 'coming of age' theme. it's a simple and easy read. there's nothing overly complex or nobel prize worthy in it. but its mine. i've taken the first step.
its available at http://www.tatepublishing.com/. though it won't be officially released until november 30, 2010, and i'm still waiting to see exactly what that means.
will it be in bookstores? maybe.
will it be a big hit? that would be nice.
will that make a difference whether i write another book or not? nope!
i just started this "natalie's book" blog as a sort of outlet for my literary thoughts and ideas. and if along the way it helps inspire someone else to write more books or look at the books they read with a different light then i will feel successful.