How to Write a Book and Be a Mom... at the same time?

Okay, not all the kids in the photo are mine but I do have three kids under the age of six and I'm desperately trying to figure out how to make this all work.  I used to write after my kids went to sleep but three kids leave me trying to catch my breath at the end of the day and if I can still hold my head up by the time they're asleep then opening up my computer and punching out a novel (while totally fun) tends to get nudged down the priority list (below clean the house, check my email and shave my legs...ha ha ha, as if).

So what's the answer?  How do I take care of three growing kids and finish my three book series at the same time?  Oh you probably thought this was a "How to" post.  Nope, it's a question.

writing and rewriting and rewriting and rewriting and...

when is enough...enough?  i have nearly 90,000 words typed out on a word document that has been in process since march of 2010.  its the second draft of the original work.  the original work was, in my opinion, a bit stringy.  and now i sit here with only a few more chapters to go and i'm starting to smell a strench coming from somewhere between the ninth and twelvth chapters.  it resembles the smell of garbonzo beans and expired cottage cheese and i'm tempted to just throw the whole thing out.  hit "select all" and then "delete".  forget all about it.  pretend it was never written.  start fresh on a new, white piece of paper. 

what is this?  is there a name for this condition?  didn't i like what i had written the first time i wrote it?  and didn't i like it again when i reread it the next day and the day after that?  then why now, after all this time and work and decrease in eye vision from staring at a computer screen so long - am i so turned off by the work as a whole?

I wish it were possible to step out of my brain for a moment.  to completely erase from my mind all the words, reconfigurations, judgements and expectations that i've ever had for my manuscript and be able to just read it for the very first time.  then, and only then, would i really be able to know if i had something there.  if i nailed it. 

they say its good to step away from your work for a while.  give it a month or two and then return to it with a fresh take.  so this is what i've done.  and now tonight, after many weeks of "stepping away" i am stepping back up to the plate.  stepping back onto the stand.  ready to judge and be judged by no other person than myself.  tonight is the night.  i will pull up my document and give it one more try and then i will make my decision.

my first book signing and what i coulda, woulda, shoulda done.

coulda, woulda, shoulda... i hate those terms (for one because they are so grammaticaly incorrect!) but also because we can't change the past so why dwell on it? 

well, i just had my first book signing at a caribou coffee near Cleveland and i have two more book signings coming up in the next two weeks so i think this time its pretty vital that i consider the coulda, woulda, shoulda's and make sure i do better next time. 

i'm not going to lie.  this book signing was an absolute flop.  i don't think it could have gone more poorly (okay, the customers could have thrown muffin tops at my head) but other than that i think i can only go up from here.  unless i stay stagnant, which would be bad, so i'm going to analyze the event and figure out where i can improve.  and what better place to do that than right here on my blog for you to all learn from my mistakes as well?

here's what i did at the book signing and what i coulda, woulda, shoulda done...

1. i planned too much in the hours leading up to the book signing.  i wanted to get my exercising in, plus run an errand, plus hit up the samples at costco (because its a saturday-family tradition and since i was going to be away from my family all afternoon i wanted to at least do that) then i had to get ready and stop at the post office (longest line ever!) and even though i wanted to be at caribou coffee fifteen minutes early i got there right at 1pm (which was the starting time) and i was flustered!
coulda gone to the post office AFTER the book signing.
woulda foregone exercising or costco this one saturday.
shoulda taken a map to avoid getting lost!
 
2. when i got to caribou i went right up to the worker behind the counter and told her i was there for a book signing.  she pointed to the designated table in the back and i headed over to set up my stuff.
coulda introduced myself more properly.
woulda asked to speak to the person who set up the book signing with me in the first place.
shoulda asked them if i could put a sign up at the counter announcing my book signing (since my table was in the back).

3. as i started setting up all my things i scanned the coffee shop to see who was there.  the place was packed with middle aged men.  (the main crowd being a group of portuguese men playing cards at a nearby table.)  my immediate response? "great.  none of these guys are going to want to buy my book."
coulda asked the portuguese men more questions about their game and where they were from (especially when one of them asked me if i was having a boy or a girl... [i'm pregnant.]) 
woulda found out if they had any daughters or nieces between the ages of 12-17.
shoulda offered them some cards with my information on them just in case.

4.  Once my table was set up and i had nothing else to do, i tried to look busy by writing my blog address on the back of my promotional cards.  I tried making eye contact and smiling at everyone who walked into the cafe.  but i felt like a desperate little puppy begging for someone - anyone - to come talk to me.  when a blond haired lady came within talking distance of my table i practically jumped out at her and asked her if she had teenage daughters.  she said no and walked away.
coulda approached people with a better opening line like, "Do you like to read?" More people like to read than have teenage daughters.
woulda positioned myself better at my table so that it wasn't such a stretch to talk to people.
shoulda gone up to the sugar table a few times to "put sugar" in my hot chocolate so that i could just talk to people there.

5.  After a while I got up from the table and took promotional cards around to a few of the younger looking people in the room. (my publisher suggested i do this if noone was coming to me.) I felt awkward and shy and barely said a thing as i passed them out.
coulda realized that I'm an adult and can act like one.  why am i so shy about this?  
woulda acted more proud about my book and let them know that its something they really need to read
shoulda had more conversation with them.  asked them questions.  gotten to know them.  after all, its a coffee shop. people go there for friendly conversation. 

6. When there were no available tables I invited a mother and her 20-something daughter to sit at my table (it was big and i wasn't using all the space.)  i was hoping i'd be able to have more conversation with them about the book.  but it turned out that they were meeting up at the coffee shop to discuss a fight they had gotten into and the fact that the daughter was moving out.  they were right next to me.  i heard every word. and they knew it. AWKWARD! i offered them a promotional card as they left and they kindly took it. 
coulda butted in with my own advice about their fight. (but really i would never do that.)
woulda told them that there is a part in my book about a mother and daughter fighting too! (that's a joke, i would never do that either.)
shoulda asked them if they were interested in buying my book rather than just asking if they wanted a promotional card. (but i don't know if i would have done that either... it was really awkward.) 

7. After a while I got so desperate that I just started offering people free chocolate hearts from my candy dish.  i got rejected there as well.  Not one person wanted my free candy! Not. One. Person.  It's FREE people!!
coulda bought the dove chocolate brand instead of Nestle. (Nestle just can't compete.)
woulda put a little sign up by the bows offering passers by to "help yourself." (maybe that would have gotten more people to the table.)
shoulda just saved my money and not offered chocolate hearts at all.  (i'm guessing that chocolate hearts don't go too well with a cappucino.)

8. At 3pm i packed up my things and told a young blond haired kid at the counter that i was leaving.  he had just barely gotten there and had no idea who i was but he smiled politely and said, "okay, bye!"  (now that i think about it, its a little bit hilarious that he probably thought i was just a customer informing him that i was done with my coffee and was ready to go.)  I called my husband the second i was in my car and somewhere between me complaining about waisting my time and laughing so hard at how horrible it all went, i burst into tears and told him i'd talk to him when i got home. 
coulda asked to talk to someone behind the counter that knew what was going on and thanked them for letting me come.
woulda processed the event out in my head before calling my husband so that he wasn't so worried about me.
shoulda sucked it up and realized that its not that its not the end of the world and life will go on.

9. i drove home frusterated with so many things.  frusterated that my book was published three months after we moved to an entirely new city. i have no extended family here.  and only a few close friends to support me in all of this.  i was frustrated with my publisher for scheduling the book signing at a coffee shop on a saturday afternoon.  teens and their mothers don't hang out at coffee shops on a saturday afternoon!  i was frustrated that i don't have a personality for selling things.  i'd rather be at home, writing a book than in a coffee shop trying to get people to buy it.
coulda stopped making excuses.
woulda stopped making excuses.
shoulda stopped mkaing excuses!

I'll let you know how the next one goes!

jealous

i hate feeling jealous.  hate it. hate it. hate it.  but sometimes, i swear, it just sneaks into my brain without me realizing whats going on. this picture is actually of my two year old son but i feel just like this when i'm jealous of someone else.  i feel inadequate and insecure and  i want to pout and scream and stomp my foot on the floor really hard.

the weirdest thing is that the moment i actually became a published author i became more jealous of other published authors than i ever had been before.  can anyone explain this to me?

i've been asked to speak to a group of young girls in my church about unity and how to celebrate other people's accomplishments.  um, pretty sure i'm still learning this.  don't get me wrong.  i try to be a kind, loving person and in general its easy for me to celebrate the success of others.  especially when they're success has absolutely nothing to do with my own ambitions.

but when someone has accomplished something that i want to accomplish (how dare they?)  i get all twisted and bent out of shape and i feel that horrible, pouty feeling taking over my brain.  

i don't do it on purpose. 

i don't wake up in the morning determined to harbor bitter feelings towards authors who have found success.  but it just happens.  why is that?

i often check out blogs of other authors in order to find inspiration from their work, to feel like i'm part of a community and to gain strength from their wisdom.  so why do i so often log off my computer feeling... (in a word) dumpy? 

i hear myself thinking things like,

"i'll never write a book as good as them." 

or 

"they are so much more creative than i am."

or even more idiotic and child-like,

"what? she writes young adult novels too?  how dare she?" 

i received a comment the other day from a great writer/blogger (Donna Weaver you know who you are) who quoted someone that said authors struggle with feelings of obscurity.  That we feel like our hard work will never be noticed amongst the millions of other books that are sitting on the shelves. 

its so true. 

and when we're already lacking self confidence in our own accomplishments it is that much harder to celebrate the accomplishments of others.   

so i'm making a serious and conscious goal starting yesterday to stop it! to stop putting myself down.  to stop comparing myself to everyone else.  to stop feeling like i'm less of a person because someone else is succeeding.  it's pointless.  it's damaging and i'm not going to let myself be hindered by it anymore!

i'm going to monitor my jealous feelings for the next three weeks (that's when i speak to the girls in my church) and see if my insides aren't feeling more like this:

i'll let you know how it goes!

finding time to write

christmas day is passed but we are still smack dab in the middle of the busy holiday season.  and as much as i LOVE this time of year i am always a little bit frustrated that i can't find as much time to write.   i'd love to know how you get around this issue.  do you simply decide to put it off until january 4th of the new year?  do you stay up later and wake up earlier with hopes to get a few new words down?  do you surround your toddler with all of his new toys and hope it entertains him long enough for you to get out a few pages?  (yes, i am guilty of this.)

one thing i do is take any opportunity i can to do mental writing workouts.  ok, it sounds kine of strange but the same way i get out of shape physically when i stop exercising - i can get out of shape mentally if i don't keep the stories flowing.  so whenever i'm doing the dishes or cooking a meal, or cleaning the toilets... i try to come up with random scenerios in my head and make a good story out of it.  its like my own secret aerobics class - only its in my head and i'm excercising my creativity. 

i find that if i do this a few times a day the ideas flow more freely when i do find that miraculous moment to write.

what do you do?

the delete button


 



whether they're action words, dialogue or simply "once upon a time" the fact of the matter is that someday you'll hate them.  you'll inevitably get to the point where those first words don't match the last words or anything in between - even if they were the words that led you to start writing in the first place.  even if at one time they were perfect.   

so you erase them.  maybe its a few words maybe its an entire chapter.  maybe its the first half of the book...  you cringe as you highlight the endless hours of work and press "delete".  but its worth it.  i promise.  and even a tiny bit liberating. 

afterall, there's no room for the good stuff... for the meat and potatoes of your story... if its bogged down with flat, uninteresting, filler words that are just leading you farther away from where you want to be.

so my challenge to you today?  hit that delete button.  just do it.  take a fine toothed comb,  weave it through your writing and throw away what's not working. it's going to be hard.  trust me, i know.  you're going to consider the sleepless nights and the cold early mornings when you worked through sweat, blood and tears to get those words down on paper and you're going to think "there's got to be some way i can make this work!"  okay, maybe there is.  but consider this.  maybe there isn't.  and instead of spending even more time trying to rework the gross, the bad and the ugly, try getting rid of it.  just try.  even if all you can do is cut and repaste it to another document somewhere on your lap top... try it.  and then let me know how it goes. 

p.s. the same advice works in life.  if something's not getting you to where you need to be... hit the delete button. 

photo curtesy of unplggd.com