jealous

i hate feeling jealous.  hate it. hate it. hate it.  but sometimes, i swear, it just sneaks into my brain without me realizing whats going on. this picture is actually of my two year old son but i feel just like this when i'm jealous of someone else.  i feel inadequate and insecure and  i want to pout and scream and stomp my foot on the floor really hard.

the weirdest thing is that the moment i actually became a published author i became more jealous of other published authors than i ever had been before.  can anyone explain this to me?

i've been asked to speak to a group of young girls in my church about unity and how to celebrate other people's accomplishments.  um, pretty sure i'm still learning this.  don't get me wrong.  i try to be a kind, loving person and in general its easy for me to celebrate the success of others.  especially when they're success has absolutely nothing to do with my own ambitions.

but when someone has accomplished something that i want to accomplish (how dare they?)  i get all twisted and bent out of shape and i feel that horrible, pouty feeling taking over my brain.  

i don't do it on purpose. 

i don't wake up in the morning determined to harbor bitter feelings towards authors who have found success.  but it just happens.  why is that?

i often check out blogs of other authors in order to find inspiration from their work, to feel like i'm part of a community and to gain strength from their wisdom.  so why do i so often log off my computer feeling... (in a word) dumpy? 

i hear myself thinking things like,

"i'll never write a book as good as them." 

or 

"they are so much more creative than i am."

or even more idiotic and child-like,

"what? she writes young adult novels too?  how dare she?" 

i received a comment the other day from a great writer/blogger (Donna Weaver you know who you are) who quoted someone that said authors struggle with feelings of obscurity.  That we feel like our hard work will never be noticed amongst the millions of other books that are sitting on the shelves. 

its so true. 

and when we're already lacking self confidence in our own accomplishments it is that much harder to celebrate the accomplishments of others.   

so i'm making a serious and conscious goal starting yesterday to stop it! to stop putting myself down.  to stop comparing myself to everyone else.  to stop feeling like i'm less of a person because someone else is succeeding.  it's pointless.  it's damaging and i'm not going to let myself be hindered by it anymore!

i'm going to monitor my jealous feelings for the next three weeks (that's when i speak to the girls in my church) and see if my insides aren't feeling more like this:

i'll let you know how it goes!